Sojourner's Magazine | World AIDS Day |
Friends,
I hope you have people to be with for Thanksgiving. If you do not, I hope you have peace. I'm with my parents, brother, and with our chosen family Laurie and Scott. For us the cooking is as much the holiday as the eating. I make homemade cranberry sauce.
And the games! Fictionary is our favorite party game. The person with the dictionary finds a word no one knows. Everyone writes a definition, and the dictionary-holder writes a true, but masqueraded as crazy definition. We then read the definitions and vote on which is true.
I'm wishing you many thankful thoughts,
Liz
What To Do With Fear
My flight from Detroit to Boston hit very bumpy air as we neared Boston. We were repeatedly thrown from side to side. It is only because we were already buckled for the approach that no one was hurt. It was scary. The woman next to me was gripping the arms of her seat. I turned to her and said "whoa," because in my experience shared fear is easier than fear alone.
Then just as it seemed we were about to touch down the engines revved and the nose pointed up again. Once away from the airport the captain came on. "Sorry, I missed the runway." Holy "Bad Word" came to mind.
The woman beside me started crying. "Do you want to talk? It'll take your mind off it" I offered. She said through gritted teeth, "I'm fine"
Perhaps she was fine (we were all fine) but one strategy for dealing with fear is to distract yourself. Chat with a neighbor. Knit. Play a video game. Another technique is to look away--I do that during movies. Sharing our fear with others emphasizes that we are in this together.
By creating fear, others can effectively stop us from taking action. Because the natural, healthy, reaction to fear is to run away, to hide, it works well to keep people from action. Less healthy responses are typical, too. Getting stuck, depressed, freezing in place. It is common to feel lonely when afraid. Or we can pretend to not be afraid by changing the story to one less threatening, and often, less true. "Everything will be alright" is often about pretending.
We need to have strategies to keep fear from interfering with our decision making.
When we have time to plan ahead, we can address fear by measuring it. Make a list of all the possible negative consequences, realistic and over the top. Make a parallel list with positive consequences. Circle the possibilities that seem most likely.
In community action it is important to identify who has the most relative risk and give them the opportunity to be less public if they choose. We don't force our trans and immigrant neighbors to the front of the protest (although we follow if they lead!) Allies can take the greater risk. Imagine if hundreds, or thousands of white, cis-gendered old ladies were filling up the jails? Eventually that would get some press.
You can also ask who is most afraid, although that often doesn't match who is at the greatest risk. Even if someone's fear seems unreasonable, or higher than the situation warrants nothing is gained by downplaying their fear. Instead recognize feelings are real, and help the person think through what exactly is causing the fearful emotion. Be sure to compare the negative consequences from not acting to the negative consequences of acting. Often we are only afraid of change, even though not changing may be more dangerous. If the fear is overwhelming, consider smaller, less frightening actions.
But in a community, a group, or a church process, don't let the person who is most afraid keep your organization from moving forward! Those with fewer fears can be sympathetic and compassionate while at the same time moving forward. Rather than stop for those who are afraid work to help the group to grapple with the needed change.
Our bodies have physical reactions to fear. A person can feel sick to their stomach, or their shoulder or neck muscles might tighten. Interestingly laughter is a great way to overcome a fear as it tightens your stomach and loosens your shoulders. A massage is helpful for releasing fear.
Physical reactions can also help us to act. Bodies produce adrenaline in the face of fear and that can give us the energy act quickly and definitively. If that happens be sure to allow time to recover after the fear has passed. When the adrenaline drops your body will be exhausted!
You can practice dealing with fear. The more you face small, and then larger fears, the more skills you will have for keeping it from from interfering. Face the things that seem impossible. Speak up when you might be wrong. Try out hard things. As you practice, notice your body, and the dialogue in your mind. Later look back at what you felt and thought and develop your own strategies for coping.
Jesus tells us to be not afraid. To find the courage to keep-on-keeping-on we must practice acting in the face of fear.
What are your best strategies for dealing with fear? Reply to this email to let me know what's happening.
When troops came to Washington, DC, people were ready to face their fears and stand up for their neighbors.
Remember when we were terrified of AIDS? Episcopal Divinity School is offering an HIV/AIDS Day event on December 3. 1-2 pm Eastern, 10-11am Pacific Time. Use this link to register.
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