Active Bystander Training | Change should have come by now
Hello Friend!
I'm finishing up in Houston after three days of discussions about generational wealth in congregations. I'll have more to say on that!
But first, a day of travel, of synthesizing, of airport food.
I've only been gone from serving churches for three weeks and I already can think of things I should have done better!
-Liz
Help People Respond to Nay-Sayers
I spoke at a Black Lives Matter protest in my town. My red town. Representing the congregation I was serving.
A church council member met with me to ask if that was appropriate for me to do. He was not agitated and I was pleased at my ability to be non-defensive. "A high school student who is not connected to our congregation asked me. I really felt I had to say yes." I smiled at him. "Do you want me to say no to kids who ask?"
At the time this felt brilliant. He agreed that I should not have said no.
But in retrospect, it was not the best response. I wish I had asked him: "are your neighbors giving you a hard time?"
Because over time I learned that my parishioners, who want to be the progressive Christians I describe for them, are often questioned by their neighbors. They aren't being attacked, they are being asked to defend their church. Every member of this radically welcoming church in this red town has friends and co-workers who are very conservative, slightly conservative, and moderate people.
When we first hung our rainbow flag, one of the congregation members asked this same board member if it was a good idea. "People are complaining at the senior center." To his credit he did not get into backroom second guessing of the council's decision--he referred to the whole council to discuss it.
It is easy for those of us who are loud and radical and somewhat in-your-face with our (correct) values to be exasperated with people who are welcoming, but don't want anyone to know we are welcoming.
But if I were to be honest, I know it is hard to hear the complaints. Our church was being gossiped about at the senior center, and the ice cream parlor, and at the pizza place, and at town hall. If we weren't so rural, there'd be more places on that last. And people in town are not sharing there negative views with me, who they perceive as the perpetrator, but with their friends. With members of the church.
What would have been useful would have been a discussion of how to handle these friendly, if uncomfortable questions from friends. I never made that happen.
That is partly because I'm not particularly good at those conversations. I can be a "suck-it-up-buttercup" kind of person when I'm feeling defensive. I say "are you suggesting black lives don't matter?" and "do you actually think it is good to exclude queer people from church?"
While there may be times for such a response, most people don't want to be that blunt. And it is rarely effective to be that blunt. It shuts down conversation without influencing anyone's viewpoint. Change happens when we can engage rather than shut-down dialogue.
When people are asked by their friends about our stand, it is the perfect time to find out more about what they are concerned about. And our council meetings and church conversations would have been a great time to brainstorm helpful responses.
"What is your concern?" and "What does it make you think about us?" and simply "I'm glad you brought it up" are all ways to keep the exchange going. Individuals can put their own experience into their explanation: "Well you know my daughter is a lesbian so it was important to me to tell her she is welcome."
"I wasn't sure it was good idea, but we've gotten a lot of phone calls from people thanking us for putting it up."
"It's kind of weird, but all the new people we've gotten, well they aren't queer, but they wanted a place that was welcoming. I don't think we could have communicated that without the flag."
"I was nervous that there would be violence at the Black Lives Matter event, but I thought the Pastor's message about figuring out who is left out in our community was valuable."
There is no perfect answer, but the work of the congregation imagining what they might say is a way to learn to stand up for our values. It is quite common to simply not know what to say to others who disagree.
I also think it would have been a relief for those in the congregation to be able to admit that their neighbors, and friends, aren't all happy with what our church is doing. We could support each other in the fact that not everyone is with us in this work.
And if people can stay in relationship with people who disagree, we are more likely to make a difference to our town over time.
Have you done training in how to respond to nay-sayers? How did it go? What did you do? Reply to this email to let me know what's happening.
Quabbin Mediation offers training in how to respond to others without escalating the situation. The 2.5 hour course is good for teens and adults and is available online and in Massachusetts
Kate Campbell is a singer/songwriter who grew up in the south as a Baptist preacher's daughter. Many of her songs are about her experiences of the civil rights movement. This song is about looking back at that era.
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